Five Tips for Picking a Dude's Porn Name
Posted at 11:54 AM Apr 10, 2008
1. Consider a bastardization of the name of an already-famous porn performer. But choose your homage wisely - "Peter South" will inspire thoughts of big streamy jets of jizz, while "Tom Holmes" might make people think of drugs and AIDS instead of a thirteen inch cock.
2. Anything with the words "rod," "hard," "ready" incorporated into it is a don't. We get it, your dick works and is a superb piece of rigid man-flesh. It better be, or you've got a fair chance of being called a balsa boy (soft wood: get it?) and laughed off set. You don't need your name to reconfirm something that should be a given.
3. If you're a man of color, don't pick a name that feeds into the depiction of non-whites as animals. Porn performers are often typecast on the grounds of race or ethnicity, and that isn't going to diasppear anytime soon, but please don't put any more Brutus Blacks or Blackzillas into the world. It's not helping.
4. If your name is derived from a particular inspiration, pick something that won't be embarrassing to explain. I've seen Johnny Dannon blush when he was asked to explain his last name - apparently he adopted it because he heard that eating lots of yogurt makes your loads taste delicious.
5. Everyone loves jokes and puns, but make sure people will be able to say your name without rolling their eyes or giggling. You'll be hating yourself within months if you go this route, I promise. You might be convinced of the joke's brilliance, but you're just going to have to face that there aren't many Bobs from Accounting who can pull that off.
--Audacia Ray
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