Regina Lynn talks about "Sexier Sex"
Posted at 3:02 PM Apr 11, 2008
Regina Lynn is a long-time sex tech columnist for Wired - her column Sex Drive goes up every other Friday - and she's also one of the friendliest people ever. She's a total geek who is known to gush over new ways to keep in touch, keep connected, and get sexy. 
Her new book, Sexier Sex: Lessons From a Brand New Sexual Frontier, is chock full of short and fun how-tos: How to Make Erotic Art with Cell Phones, How to Be a Voyeur (Without Being a Creep), How to Furnish Your Sex Room, How to Blog Your Sex Life Without Getting Dumped - and many more.
Naked City editor Audacia Ray asked Regina a few questions about how technology is perceived when it comes to sexuality and what's so great about it anyway.
Audacia Ray: Many people believe that the use of technologies like email, texting, and vibrators (among many other forms of personal tech) inherently decrease intimacy between people. What's your response to that?
Regina Lynn: For some people, it's more intimate to use a sex toy or listen to audio erotica or look at online pornography together than it is to simply have sex the old-fashioned way, two bodies in a bed, without props. In fact, this increased intimacy is one of the reasons some people won't take a chance with the tech. For example, men sometimes feel vulnerable when a woman pulls out a large vibrator that has umpteen settings and a little pink bunny to boot. And women sometimes compare their bodies to the porn stars on the screen and feel unattractive and undesirable. Accepting that risk and trusting that you'll figure it out together is pretty damn intimate!
I think people mostly criticize the communications technologies, though, when they talk about feeling remote or distant or disconnected. I believe that if you're feeling less connected rather than closer, there's an easy solution: stop. Put down the phone, step away from the keyboard, log out of Twitter. And then go hang out in person with the people you most want to see.
I tend to use the communications technologies to replace the times when I can't be with someone -- not to replace in-person time. I think we all find the right balance of connectivity over time.
I know I went through a period where most of my social and sexual life happened online; eventually, that segued into more in-person activities, and now I can't see myself ever being that exclusively online again. Interacting in writing, through IM and email and chat and text, has shown me aspects of my friends and lovers that don't show in any other context, and the technology enriches our relationships by providing a bridge for those times we can't spend much or any time together in person. I also believe we can't judge one another's need for intimacy or connection. It's always people outside the relationship who point fingers and say "your relationship is fake because it's all by [fill in technology of your choice]" while the people in the relationship always report that it works for them. If it no longer works, people tend to make changes to find something (or someone) else that does. If the amount of tech-facilitated communication in your love life is not working for you, own up to it and find a different way (or a different relationship) -- but don't judge other people's happiness by your own needs.
Three more questions and their answers are after the jump.
AR: When writing about sexuality, and especially ways to improve sex and make it more fun and interesting, it's inevitable that you'll discover new things -all in the name of research, of course. What are some new tricks you picked up or new items you added to your bedside table in the process of writing this book?
RL: I've definitely become more aware of the almost unbelievable power of the sensual, erotic, sexual imagination we human beings all share, whether we realize it or not. I have such a greater understanding of the scope of sex -- far beyond any single gadget or skill. I have become much more into the sharing of pleasure rather than the pursuit of a goal, and have a much deeper appreciation for all the parts of sex that aren't orgasm. Not that I'm knocking orgasm, by any means! 
AR: How has your career as a writer on sex and technology affected your
relationship with the two? Do you require partners to have well-developed
interests in both?
RL: The last thing I need is to date another writer -- what a moody, self-absorbed, volatile pairing that would be! But I do like it when my partners are passionate about something of their own, as then they understand just how important this work is to me. I've found that people do tend to have false expectations at times. Like assuming that I spend all my free time having cybersex or that I'll jump into bed with anyone, or that I have some "extra" sex skill that intimidates them. Nothing could be farther from the truth. With deadlines like mine, who has time for sex anyway?
AR: What are the absolute sex + tech don'ts?
RL: Don't forget that the person on the other end is a person, whether you've met "in real life" or not.
Don't mistake temporary obsession with any piece of sex-tech (cyberspace, texting, video games, porn, etc.) for addiction.
Don't expect people with crappy phone keypads to love texting as much as you do.
Don't assume that sex or relationships are "easy" just because they take place in virtual spaces.
Don't fall prey to media fear mongering about sex or tech.
