Cunning Minx: Adventures in Polyamory and Podcasting
Posted at 3:19 PM May 21, 2008
Cunning Minx is the hostess of Poly Weekly, a podcast that explores the issues around polyamory and kink in non-traditional relationships. She's an incredibly friendly, enthusiastic host who tackles lots of interesting topics - many that have been issues in her own relationships.
Naked City editor Audacia Ray had some questions for her about her "greatest hits" of her podcast, the pitfalls of poly, and being an internet personality.
Audacia Ray: You've done an impressive 154 episodes of your podcast Poly Weekly. What are some of the most memorable shows? Which ones have gotten the most response from your listeners?
Cunning Minx: My favorite show so far is #114 on introverts and extroverts, mostly for totally selfish reasons--it was fascinating to consider the bias our culture has in favor of extroverts and how very difficult it is for introverts to get ahead in jobs, relationships and other aspects of life. We're really pretty introvert-intolerant in this culture, and it was fascinating to explore that. Listeners seemed to really enjoy it, too; there was a lot of "yes, that's me!" feedback on that episode! Apart from that, I loved the interview with Franklin/Tacit, #117, in which he gives my favorite quote, "life rewards those who move in the direction of greatest courage." Yeah, being in open, poly or otherwise nonmonogamous relationships can be damn hard. The level of honesty required to pull it off is *brutally* painful. But I love how he points out that the rewards of having the courage to be that honest are tremendous.
Um... hmmm... I should probably say something sexy here, shouldn't I? Well, the old favorite is still #53, during which I'm still glowing from a weekend of threesomes with Graydancer and FencerT, and I can't stop murmuring the word "cock" over and over again. That was a classic of "we did the communication; now let's have the FUN!"
As far as the most downloaded shows, yes, the threesome one by far, but also, interestingly, episode 103 on being poly and single and, more recently, episode 150 on five places to meet poly people. This tells me that there are a lot of individuals out there who are philosophically ready to embrace polyamory and are now in a position to go out there and give it a whirl in the real world. This is really exciting to me because it means that people aren't just listening to Polyamory Weekly for fun (although that's nice, too!); they're actually using it to figure out how they want to shape their own poly lifestyles. That's pretty fucking cool.
Two more questions and their answers after the jump!
AR: Because it's difficult to find strong role models for polyamory, it seems like there's a lot of crash and burn style of growing pains when a person first attempts non-monogamy - I know I did that, and it was crazy. Do you think this is just part of working against cultural norms? Or is there a smoother way to learn how to do poly?
CM: There are so many great resources out there for poly these days; we're really lucky to live in a time when there is a word for the movement and the glorious interwebz to tell us what has been done before. And yes, it's likely that because polyamory does go against the deeply-engrained monogamous norm that our preconceptions of what relationships should be and how people should act will bushwhack us at every turn, especially the first time around. It's not unusual for the first attempt at poly not to go well, much like our first attempts at monogamy. But the good news is that as we date, grow and figure out what we want, just as with monogamy, it tends to get easier as we get better at voicing our wants and needs and understanding our partners' needs as well.
Unfortunately, I don't think there is a smoother way to learn how to be poly any more than there is a smoother way to learn how to be great at monogamy. We just have to learn to grow as human beings and learn to communicate better; with this, we get better at relationships, no matter what the format.
All that being said, the wealth of poly blogs, discussion boards, informational sites and real-life meetup groups are great for asking questions so you at least can be *aware* of how polyamory can bushwhack you. No need to do poly alone, by definition! We're out there, and we're happy to help you learn from our mistakes.
AR: Sometimes I get a little unnerved by the fact that people consider me an "expert," while in my life there are lots of things I'm not an expert on as far as sexuality goes. What kind of effect does being an internet personality and visible representative of polyamory have on your romantic relationships?
I do wonder if it's a coincidence that I have less sex and fewer relationships than ever before! For goodness' sake, I've only had sex twice this year, and I've been dumped just as many times. But truly, yes, it's ridiculous to consider someone who has made as many mistakes as I have an "expert." Actually, some radio DJs once called me a "relationship guru." My ex-boyfriend and I were not on great terms at the time, and I'm certain that he, among quite a few others, would have heartily disagreed with that designation.
And I know that I got a big kick out of being able to say I was dating Steve Eley from Escape Pod, who is far more well-known than me in podcasting and science fiction circles. And when kinky people can't place me, I just drop that I used to be Graydancer (of the Ropecast's) slave. So I guess I've fallen into the trap of dating internet personalities, myself, haven't I? The only thing that's really odd is that, of course, we are all real people, with flaws and quirks and overdue bills and sexual issues and all that, so it can be a little weird when you're peeved at your internet-famous partner but stuck in a conversation with a starry-eyed fan who thinks your partner is all perfect and wonderful. It can be really hard for all of us not to say, "yeah, but she farts something AWFUL"!
