Open Up: Making a Straight/Queer Marriage Work
Posted at 5:03 PM May 19, 2008
Long-time Village Voice sex columnist Tristan Taormino has a new book out this month called Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. Here on Naked City, she'll be publishing weekly posts about non-traditional relationships throughout the month of May. These stories won't be found in between the covers of her book, but they should whet your appetite for more.
It is estimated that nationwide there are about 2 million gay men and lesbians who currently have or have had a straight spouse. Amity Pierce Buxton, author of The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming-Out Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families, has interviewed over 9,000 gay and straight spouses since the mid ‘80s. Buxton says that when one partner in a marriage comes out as gay, lesbian, or bisexual, about a third of the couples break up right away, a third break up after about two years, and a third stay married indefinitely. We don’t know a whole lot about that last third—the more than 30% of mixed orientation marriages that remain intact. From the research I’ve read, many of them are negotiating open relationships, but few consider themselves polyamorous or identify with or seek out a poly community. As a result, they are left out of significant discussions about non-monogamy.
Judy and Travis, both in their late 50s, have been married for 35 years. They are teachers and live together in New York. Six years ago, Judy discovered an interest in BDSM, but Travis didn’t share her desire to explore it. They opened their relationship so Judy could experiment. What Judy didn’t know at that point was that Travis had already discovered he way gay, but he was in the closet. Travis finally came out to her about a year after she began seeing other people. He admits that before his coming out, “I did the usual sneaking around and stuff which I’m not particularly proud of.” They both agreed that splitting up was unnecessary. “One, we love each other,” says Judy. “We are very much in tune, artistically, and are really best friends. We have a beautiful daughter, whom we both adore and while we didn’t mention it, splitting up after being married so long would be a huge hassle and financially very uncomfortable.” Judy also admits that the timing was important: “I also had a regular partner I was seeing, having more sex and play that I ever thought possible....so it was a good time to tell me. If he’d told me when I wasn’t getting any and not in a happy place, I can’t honestly say how I would have reacted.” Travis says, “Once I was out, once we were out to each other, then it became this interesting situation…it was kind of non-threatening…The uniqueness about it is that she has chosen her path in what is essentially an alternative lifestyle and mine is alternative as well. But then, they don’t necessarily conflict with one another because I’m not seeking, let’s say, another woman or a relationship that’s heterosexual.”
“For me, our coming out...didn’t open up my sex life, it gave me one,” says Judy. “Arguing about not having sex is a terrible way to live. It opened my life, and I really think Travis saw...and was moved to open his. It has opened up our lives, created more communication, and an even deeper relationship. It erased the fear. It has seemed to have an effect on our entire life.” Travis agrees that it has strengthened their existing connection: “We have this strong, loving relationship of thirty some odd years of being together. We know how each other thinks, how each other acts and reacts in certain ways, we’re comfortable with each other. And [our coming out] has taken us apart in some ways, but it’s also brought us back together. Our discussions have never been more honest, funnier, more enjoyable. We can speak absolutely openly to each other…We all need somebody in our life that we can say anything to and not be judged.”
--Tristan Taormino
Read more about Tristan Taormino’s new book Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships on OpeningUp.net
more: Open Up, Special Series
