Open Up: Solo Polyamorists

Posted at 4:50 PM May 12, 2008

Long-time Village Voice sex columnist Tristan Taormino has a new book out this month called Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. Here on Naked City, she'll be publishing weekly posts about non-traditional relationships throughout the month of May. These stories won't be found in between the covers of her book, but they should whet your appetite for more.

In American culture, monogamy isn’t the only norm when it comes to relationships; it’s expected that everyone wants to and should be part of a couple. The fact of the matter is that some people who identify as non-monogamous or polyamorous prefer not to be in a “partnered” relationship, however they define that for themselves.

In general, people who practice solo polyamory may date and have non-primary partners, but they don’t want to co-habitate, mingle finances and resources, raise children, or make important life decisions with a partner. Nicole had been in and out of relationships for twenty-five years, and she made a choice to not pursue a primary relationship: “I needed to become myself for a while. I’ve started my own company, and I’m doing my doctorate. Until that’s done, I can’t put the energy into a primary relationship. That’s of course saying that a primary relationship doesn’t pop up and jump out at me between now and then. You can’t stop it when it does. But I’m not looking.” In Nicole’s case, her solo polyamory may be time-limited as she focuses on education and career, but for others, it’s a long-term choice.

Hailey says, “I consider myself to be my primary partner. This is a very real label for me, not something that I adopt while waiting for ‘The One’ to come along. I am my own husband and wife.” Thomas’ marriage ended four years ago, and he is not looking for a new significant other, which is why he calls himself single and poly, although his relationship with one of his partners has gotten serious: “I’ve fallen in love and there is definitely a sense of things developing in that relationship. We don’t necessarily have rules that we have to follow or anything…I think it’s like if I had to get a date to the prom, I know who I’d ask, but fortunately, I don’t need a date to the prom. I can go stag.”

Because society assumes that you’re either in a couple or actively looking to be in one, a solo person bucks the system; add your commitment to polyamory and you’ve been marked with a double whammy. While suspicion of the single bachelor and derision of the old maid spinster aren’t quite as prevalent as they were in the 20th century, people who aren’t in relationships are often discriminated against in both subtle and overt ways. Holidays, religious ceremonies, hotel and vacation packages, weddings, social events, restaurant seating, and two-for-one deals are all geared toward couples. Stereotypes abound about non-partnered people: you’re promiscuous; you’re selfish and immature; you’re emotionally challenged in some way; you are afraid of intimacy and commitment; you’re unwilling to “finally settle down.” From movies to self-help books, the message is clear: there is something wrong with you if you are not part of a couple.

It’s difficult for people constantly bombarded with these messages from society to go against the grain and do what works for them. Many solo people can face insecurity, doubt, and self-judgment, which is difficult to cope with when there is not a lot of support for their chosen relationship style. You have to tune out the endless propaganda and take pride in knowing who you are and what works for you. Kathleen says, “There’s this part of me that’s still dealing with ‘as a woman you’re not complete unless you have somebody’ cultural thing. It takes a while to come face to face with the way you were raised and the unspoken stories you were told about what life was.”

--Tristan Taormino

Read more about Tristan Taormino’s new book Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships on OpeningUp.net

Be Social!

previous entry: Inside Fred Harper's Painting Studio

next entry: A drunken makeout party for two sounds really fun

Name:	Email Address:
URL:	Remember Me? YesNo
Say It! (you may use HTML tags for style)