AR: What are the most common misconceptions about sex workers and relationships?
SL: The first that jumps right into my little head are that sex work and "real" love are antithetical; you can't have both at the same time. I'm thinking of the song 'Roxanne' for instance, which is musically pretty awesome but carries the unfortunate message that sex workers can only have their love and eat it too (so to speak), if they quit their jobs. The narrator of the song never mentions how she should make a living instead or if he'll support her, just claims that he "wouldn't talk down to" her and then orders her to abandon her career and all other men for the (doubtless unbearably appealing) so-called love he has for her. The song makes it pretty clear that's its either work or love, you can't have both.

Other classics along this line are that sex workers are actually incapable of love, that all of their relationships are based on money and manipulation. I'd say I've seen far more evidence of that amongst celebrities and wealthy socialites, who we as a society adore and emulate, than amongst the sex workers I know.

They lie. They cheat. They can't be trusted. Who is more likely to lie and cheat, someone who openly engages in erotic exchange with a variety of people, or someone who's too ashamed to talk about sex and thinks love is reliant on the appearance of strictly adhered-to monogamy?

Then there's the one about abuse; abusive girlfriend, husband, pimp. People love to connect sex work and abuse. The problem is people don't study baristas or architects or telemarketers in search of abuse the way they do sex workers, so there's real way to know if there's any connection at all.

The "Pretty Woman": "I'm miserable in this wretched life and waiting to be saved by true love!" This one is often found in clients who get crushes on their favorite sex workers, and then once emotionally attached see it as they're jobs to liberate the objects of their affections from the lifestyle they've been supporting.

Sex workers are either oversexed insatiable nymphos or cold frigid bitches. Ok, well actually this one is true. Wait a minute! Who even says "nymphos" anymore? Truth is for some people work is a profitable extension of a naturally high or adventurous sex drive and for others it's all about a sexualized persona that may not reflect their own sexuality. I'd say most sex workers have some level of sexual curiosity but drive is all over the map and like anyone, varies from day to day.

Sex workers are not undateable; often they are the most communicative, accepting, generous and sexually adventurous dates around! In the best case scenarios they have cash, free time to be attentive to and work at love, a broad sexual repertoire and a dirty mind, good negotiation and sexual safety skills, the ability to see attractive things about all sorts of people and a badass knack for talking or sucking or beating or fucking away sexual shame. Plus lots of hot interesting friends. But its not all about alleyway threesomes and excessive birthday presents, most sex workers are in fact just normal people holding it down, taking care of themselves and trying to raise their families, and like most of us, looking for good love. Maybe Working Hearts should sell buttons that say: Lucky me, I date sex workers. Proud to date sex workers. I date a sex worker. I married a sex worker.

AR: There's been a move within the sex worker rights movement in the last few years to talk more about politics as well as legal and economic issues. What place do you think personal stories and conversations about relationships have in all this?
SL: Well, I thought we all agreed awhile ago that the personal is political? Snarkiness aside, I think of myself as fairly sociologically minded, I'm just endlessly fascinated by the stories of how people manage to work out their lives, and how they all relate and maneuver between and around each other, so this is the kind of format that works for me. I think formal political movements are often founded on people realizing that they have similar experiences and forming solidarity with each other, and that these revelations often come out of informal conversations. My belief is that legal status and cultural opinion go hand in glove: I was recently in Berlin and spoke with a woman there from Hydra who told me that while prostitution is currently legal there, stigma is still so intense that the legal standing is very precarious and under constant threat.

My preferred method of activism is the one on one conversation; humanizing sex workers by talking about my own thoughts and feelings and behavior. I know I am personally affected far more deeply and quickly by hearing one sympathetic person speak in their own voice about their experience than by watching hours of advertisements or reading volumes of theory. Those moments are the ones that crack open my mind and stick in my memory.

Also, in order to have a viable movement, we need allies. We need partners and friends and exes and neighbors and lovers and parents and clients and children who believe in the validity of what we do, our basic human and workers' rights; and are willing to think and talk about them. And eventually vote for them. Gaining allies is easier when they feel involved in the conversation, when they get support for what may be unpopular stances in their social circles, when they have places to gain insight, ask questions,
express fears and share joys. It's hard being an ally for a marginalized group, and its hard being marginalized without many allies. As trite as this is, I think the basis of political strength lies in people knowing that they are not alone, and that starts with people just talking about what's up with them.

AR:Do you have any suggestions for people who find themselves partnered with sex workers? How can they be supportive while getting their needs met?
SL: Well generalizations are hard because vast arrays of kinds of people do sex work and they all have different relationships with their work. Just as not everyone is an exploited sex slave, neither are we all happy hookers. And our feelings about the work may change; daily. But here are some rough guidelines, or at least jumping-off points that can be modified and re-molded for the specifics of your relationship. Make no mistake; this is not the end-all word on how to be a supportive partner, just a few ideas...

1. Let the worker set the tone about how they talk and feel about their work. Use the language for their work that they use, or better yet, ask first if it's ok with them to use the language that they use. You may not even realize it, but like most people you probably have a whole lot of ideas about what sex work is like and what it symbolizes for the people involved that come from places that may not have anything to do with your partner and how they experience their work. Let the person actually experiencing it tell you how it is for them. In some cases that may mean not telling you anything. It's not easy working a job that most people feel entitled to judge and condemn with no or little first hand experience. Ambivalence is pretty common: people often enjoy or feel fine about their work while also feeling shame around it due to ambient sex-negative anti-whore ideas. Remember that bad days at work happen to everyone in every profession, and don't necessarily indicate an abusive, exploitative or unhealthy situation. On days when it may feel like the world is against them, try to make it clear that you're on their side. On the other hand if your partner repeatedly talks about hating their job and feeling bad about or used up by their line of work, you might want to think about objective ways to support a career change. This industry contains a multiplicity of experiences, be open to hearing from your partner which one they might be having at this moment.

2. Get to know your partners energy patterns. Sex work is often most basically about giving good attention, and paying a lot of attention to others takes a lot of energy. Some people get a charge back from the work and may get energy rushes while others are completely drained by even one or two hours of being sexy and present. Learning how your partner tends to feel before and after work can really help ease your communication and expectations.

3. Be pro-active about taking good care of yourself. Think about how much or how little you can hear about your partners work in a way that respects yourself and your feelings and your relationship. Talk about safer sex, but not as an interrogation of your partner's practices; instead think about what you want and are willing to do for yourself and your relationship so that you feel well protected. Get tested so you know what's going on with you. Build trust by acting trustworthy. Be honest but not accusatory about the parts you love and the parts that are hard for you. Practice listening without reacting or judging. Do some research about managing jealousy. If they tell you it's different with you, believe them. If you're up for it, try turning a trick yourself, to get a taste of what it's like. Remember what you love about your partner. Ask for time that won't be interrupted by work, either of yours. Think about where your ideas about love and sex came from and if they can be updated. Be gentle with yourself and your mistakes. Have fun. Get quality outside support for your insecurities. Remember it is not anyone else's responsibility to take care of these issues for you, though it's great to have a partner who's interested in addressing things together.

Actually, except for the turn a trick yourself part, I think this is advice I would give to anyone looking for love these days, not just the partners of sex workers. And knowing me, I'd tell them to turn a trick anyway.

4. Stop using words like "whore", "hooker", "stripper", "ho", "streetwalker", "crackwhore", etc. as derogatory slang. Use these words properly, and with respect. Yes, crackwhores deserve respect.

Image credits in order of appearance:
1. Sadie Lune
2. "Anniemia" pg.1 From Saturn Returns Komyx by Sadie Lune
3.Shae Dawson and Sadie Lune by Julia Robinson
4. Sadie Lune and Kangaroo Sexy by Greg Heine
5. Stll Life with Beestings by Sadie Lune