Alexander the Poet: The Bawdy Bard
Posted at 5:23 PM Jun 11, 2008
Over the past ten years, Ukrainian-born and New Jersey-based Alexander the Poet has written and performed hundreds of poems about masturbating, being horny, and coming, plus odes to porn stars and prostitutes, and many more obscurely filthy topics. Most of the poems rhyme, and he delivers them deadpan. His YouTube page features the poet reciting a piece titled "I Would Like to Stick My Dick in You," among others.
Naked City editor Audacia Ray had some questions for Alexander about his inspirations, his experiences in getting banned from 11 open mic nights, and his thoughts on how straight men's sexualities are maligned by mass culture.
Audacia Ray: You've been writing and performing poems about sex for ten years now - what have been your most popular poems and your most memorable performances?
Alexander the Poet: Well, I tend to love my poem titled "Shit", but it tends to be hit or miss with some folks. Either they crack up mad, due to how disgusting it is, or they don't like it, because it is disgusting. Either way, I've found it to be a great closer when I do my act. On those same lines, I'd have to say "My Balls" is also well received. I've opted to use that as my opener because while it's obscene, it's not as 'wrong' as my other works. So it's a great way to pull the audience in. Unlike "Shit", this poem doesn't really turn people off.
In the very beginning, I performed "She Gave Me Wood" and "The Day I Spanked My Monkey." Those were excellent poems in capturing double entendre, and I suppose really, that they put me on the map, so to speak. But since those poems, I decided to become more perverse and twisted.
Hmm, my most memorable performances were. Hmm...To tell you the truth, it's hard to recall because I really haven't performed on a regular basis within the past 5 years it seems. I blame that on a few factors:
1. Most of the open mics I've gone to are no longer happening and/or the venue that held them, shut down.
2. The few open mics that still exist have banned me so I can't go there.
3. With my new job, I'm really limited in being able to travel during the week as much.
I recall performing at this bar in Old Bridge, NJ called Club 516. One night I found myself reading about 30 poems because the patrons there really loved it! Well, I personally think it was the alcohol that loved it.
I'd have to say that I also remember performing at The Internet Cafe in Red Bank, NJ. Only due to the fact that the crowd there were mostly 15 yr olds and there was a time when I'd keep performing there week after week at the open mic. Then, suddenly, the owner decided to ban me. I'll admit, I was surprised I lasted as long as I did there. As much as I relish in seeing how people react to my poems, I do have somewhat of a conscious and realize that there must be an age limit set, in terms of how old you have to be to appreciate my works. I say that would be 16. 15 is pedophile territory. But 16 is legal in Jersey :)
Three more questions and their answers after the jump.
AR:Your bio says that you've been permanently banned from 11 venues for their open mic nights. Can you tell me a story about what happened at one of those
venues?
AtheP: I recall performing at The Stanley Cup in Linden, NJ. It was a bar. During my set, the owner started approaching me and cursing at me and told me to stop and get off the stage. Maybe he even told me to get out of his place as well. Not sure. He didn't strike me physically, but it sure looked like he would.
I found that odd because it was a bar. Of the people that were there, either they were piss drunk, watching sports on the tv, or playing billiards. No one ever pays attention to what you do in bars!
Rather, the bar patrons feel like you've threatened their space.
So to hear that I was offending his, um, wholesome? establishment was really odd.
This is why, generally, I prefer to perform at coffeehouses than bars. At coffeehouses, they actually pay attention to you.
Granted, both venues have their pros and cons.
But I'd rather read to an underage audience that will listen to me, then to an 18+ audience that are drunk, and not knowing if they're happy drunks or mad drunks, who don't (listen to you). You would think alcohol would work to my favor but I tend to disagree. Plus, I've had a few girls approach me after a set, and let me tell you, it is such a turn off when a girl's breath reeks of whiskey. For me, anyway.
AR: Your brand of humor seems like it confuses some people. Do you make any effort to explain yourself when people are critical or don't get it, or do you just let it roll off of you and let your body of work speak for itself?
AtheP: I'd say it's 50/50. Usually a few people 'get it', while the majority tends to be horrified by me. And I have a theory as to why.
To say a dick and fart JOKE is one thing. Because you say 2 sentences. Bam. Punchline. Ha Ha. That dude is funny.
But to recite a dick and fart POEM, with 4 verses, meter, etc, it's really 'out there' for most people. I mean, it's a long way to get to the punchline.
But in reality, that's all I claim the majority of my poetry to be. Extended jokes.
The way I see it is, people will always think what they think. So I do my best to tell them not to take it seriously.
But even if they do think I'm seriously fucked in the head, I suppose it still works to my advantage.
Heck, if the poems don't worry them, then my 'hearts' do.
AR: Straight men who freely express their sexuality are often seen as being creepy. Why do you think this is?
AtheP: You know, even though I'm straight, it's gotten to a point where I don't even like to label myself as such. Because to be straight these days, is to be without kink (atleast for a guy it seems). And I have my kinks and I have my fetishes. And in the hetero world, a few of my kinks may be viewed as borderline bi/gay I suppose. But slowly, society is evolving, American society that is. Now it's ok to have a finger in your ass, if a chick does it that is. Shit like that.
I truly think that only American society views straight men this way. It's a cultural thing.
Male nudity, for instance, in America is seen as humor fodder. Male nudity in mainstream films almost always is done for laughs and/or disgust.
The only media in America that seems to appreciate male nudity seriously, seems to be gay porn.
Overseas, it's much different. I saw a russian music video recently where this pop singer (this girl who is very hot) was singing and the video focused on this dude that looked like Tarzan who was nude throughout. They focused on his ass, his pecs, etc. He was the sex object, not her.
It's like, I think to be a guy and say you're straight these days, is the equivalent of telling people you're Amish. You're limited to getting blowjobs and doing anal. That's it.
But if you're a guy and you want to get smacked, or called 'bitch', then it's like "Dude, you're messed up. You're a freak!"
1 of the things that turn me on is to get my nipples licked and sucked and played with. Well, generally, I'd love my chest to be paid attention to. And I shouldn't have to feel weird for that. But I do because it's as if, the only thing guys can get pleasured is their dicks. Anything else, is 'weird'
Even in str8 porn, I want to see more girls lick guys' nipples and fondle their pecs damnit! I find that hot. (And if a porn producer reads this, get on this because I'm pretty sure this is an untapped market)
Perhaps it is more accepted nowadays for str8 guys to be into bdsm,etc, but I just know that personally, anytime fetish comes up in my circle of close friends, they're aware of the scene but they're thinking "Freaks"
Along those lines, women can get away with this entirely. They can be freaks without concern.
